Riding with the Fear
Val Hampson, MA “No way would I
ever get on that horse!”, I said, watching the huge, black, half
Percheron draft mare bucking around the arena. Kali was being allowed to
work off some youthful energy before the start of Leigh Shambo’s equine
facilitated psychotherapy workshop for people with fear about horses. And I was
one of the participants.
....
I became a horse obsessed girl at the age of nine when I started riding
a little black and white pony aptly named Patches at summer camp in New
Hampshire. Each day was filled with barely reined excitement to get to
his stall, feed and groom him, and do the mucking. Neither shoveling
manure nor waving away flies in the muggy heat deterred me. The
distinctive smells of horse sweat, hay and well cared for leather filled
me with happiness and still relax me to this day.
Ambling with a string of other young riders on
trails through birch and pine forest, wild blueberries carpeting the
ground, I felt there could be no better way to spend my days than this.
I was hooked. After camp, I continued to take riding lessons with a new
equine teacher, Strawberry, always glorying in the joy of riding. One of
my favorite life memories is riding Strawberry through a forest
fairyland of New England snow, our steamy breath braiding toward a crisp
blue sky.
Idyllic months passed and then one day, while
cantering around the outdoor arena, my crop slipped out of my grip and
fell forward, hitting my beloved roan Strawberry in the eye. She
instantly bucked me off. I remember the short sail through the air and
hitting the ground chest first. The wind was knocked out of me and I
could not catch my breath. I never had that feeling before or heard of
it, so I thought I was dying. Even after I was breathing normally again
and discovered I was not seriously injured, I was terrified. I did not
want to get back on the horse. My instructor insisted I do so
immediately. I did, but I was still afraid. Strawberry felt my terror
and bolted for the barn. My fear of riding was set solid. I was made to
ride for another year, my fear growing. When I was finally allowed to
stop riding, my passion for horses was deeply buried in the dusty past
of the time before the accident.
I did not ride again until after college. I
felt haunted by a lack of closure around the accident, nearly phobic
about horses and still felt an undercurrent of sadness about the loss of
horses in my life. So, I rode every few years at Park concessions on
short, easy, public trail rides. My palms were always sweaty, I was
tense, and on high alert: white knuckle riding.
Decades passed.
The discovery of HEAL (Human Equine
Alliances for Learning in Chehalis,WA) and Leigh Shambo,MSW,
brought me in close contact with horses on the ground. Those horse
smells and the sounds of happy nickers at feeding; the big, bright, come
hither eyes; the intense delight of an innocent foal; all rushed the joy
and promise of my childhood love of horses into the present. I spent
more and more time in the peaceful tasks of horse care on the ground. I
wanted to be around the horses. I wanted to engage in relationship with
them. I continued to work with them on the ground. I began to wonder,
could I find that lost trail of my childhood again? Could I ride again
with pleasure, not terror?
I signed up for Leigh Shambo’s Understanding
Fear workshop to find out.
We were a small group of fearful riders, most,
but not all of us, coming by our fear via an accident. Our deep love
would not allow us to just walk away from horses. If your heart beats
with hoofbeats you cannot cut it out.
We learned to recognize and listen to the
wisdom of our fear. Leigh, an Epona advanced instructor, showed us the
messages it had for us in our bodies and how to hear those messages. We
learned to tease apart those crucial informing bodily signs from
escalating out of control fear, out-of-the-present-moment fear and fear
of fear. We paid attention. And slowly we let the horses teach us. Under
Leigh’s expert guidance, we worked first in reflective moments being
fully present and aware with the horse, then moving the horse on the
ground, and finally, on the last day, in the saddle, if we chose. We
learned to listen- to our bodies, emotions, energy and to the horses.
Throughout, we laughed and cried and supported each other.
And so, on the last day, I found myself
assigned to Kali for a ride, if a ride wanted to happen. Yes, I was
somewhat afraid….a good, helpful fear that said here is an unfamiliar,
big, energetic horse who could toss me. This fear said I had
better pay attention to each moment and the wisdom of my body which will
tell me what is safe and what is not.
Slowly, over the course of a good part of the
day, I worked with her on the ground with the patient help of one of the
workshop leaders. I asked Kali in a variety mental, behavioral and
spiritual ways if she wanted me to ride her and if she would accept my
fledgling leadership. I watched her behavior and my bodily feelings- a
little tension in my gut here, a little tightening of my shoulders
there, then a relaxed openness in my belly and chest. I practiced leading
her, sending her out, drawing her in and tested again. I talked with
her- out loud and through our spirits, through visualization, energy and
just being. Finally, I felt comfortable in my body and so in my emotions
I knew that it would be safe to mount.
I clambered upon a table to reach the
skyscraper saddle, Kali waiting patiently. We rode transformed out of
the barn into the after-shower rainbowed light.
My old fear was reborn into friendly fear wisdom and my old love of
riding began to emerge from its dark cloud.
More than a year later, I’m in the saddle
whenever I can be…and whenever it feels right. My joy of riding and
horses shines brightly once again.
And fear…well, a funny thing. Increasingly, I
welcome its wisdom in other areas of my life, finding myself able to do
some things I might have avoided because I was afraid of being afraid
and closed to the helpful messages of fear.
Val Hampson, MA,
is a writer, educator, energy and qigong practitioner, psychotherapist,
and editor of Equus Spirit. Contact her at
valh@equusspirit.com
Leigh Shambo's next Understanding Fear
workshop is:
April 21-23, 2006
(3 day)
Falls City, WA
and
September 1-5, 2006
(5 day)
Olympia,WA
Register now. Workshops are
small to ensure personal attention.
Contact Leigh Shambo and HEAL
(Human Equine Alliances for Learning) at-
heal@localaccess.com
or call 360-266-0778 or go to
www.humanequinealliance.org
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