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An Equine Home Run- Part Two
Khrista
Engelhardt
The next morning Leigh suggested I have another reflective
session with Little League, before my turn to ride. I had been looking
forward to this part of the workshop as it would give me a chance to
learn from Leigh and a well-trained horse is always a bonus. With that
in mind I haltered Little League once more.
As I haltered Little League he flattened his ears in protest so I
decided to spend some time with him before our turn in the arena. I led
him to a patch of grass in front of the barn, all the while reassuring
him that we were not there to take him away from his home. His attitude
was still not ideal but he at least seemed to tolerate me a little
better. I began to feel frustration at my inability to reach beyond his
defenses to the heart of him.
..... I conveyed my gratitude to him for our upcoming lesson. I
realized my presumption when I felt resistance from him and in my
arrogance this surprised me. I conveyed my heart felt desire to ride
him. I received an even stronger sense of resistance. I thought about
being bucked off and received a negative impression; my frustration was
mounting. The feeling of resistance had a different “flavor” than the
sense of negativity. I struggled to grasp these subtle differences and
understand what I was feeling. In the back of my mind was the question
of whether or not I was delusional and having an argument with myself.
I knew however that I could not just charge ahead with my own
agenda at Little League’s expense, so once again I sought Karen’s advice
in order to help me process this “information”, if in fact that is what
it was. One of the basic concepts that H.E.A.L. teaches is that emotions
are not good or bad but simply information. I felt I needed all the
information I could get. I even asked myself if I was secretly looking
for a way out so my performance would not be judged by anyone but no I
really wanted to ride. I made the decision to turn Lil League loose in
his paddock while I explored all this “information” with Karen.
Karen and another participant, Mel, stood inside Lil League’s
paddock. As I unhaltered him he bolted to the other end of his
enclosure. I turned to Karen, my confusion obvious in my expression. She
regarded me with concern. I am feeling at a loss, I explained. I wanted
to ride but feel a resistance. I know he would not buck me off, but it
feels like he is saying “if you want me to trust, put your money where
your mouth is”. I am either having a conversation with this horse or I
am arguing with myself. Therefore, as much as I wanted to, I feel I need
to honor Lil League and not ride him.
At this point Lil League, who had wanted to stay as far away as
possible, came on the run from the far corner of the paddock. He came to
an abrupt halt up against me, chest to chest, his head over my shoulder.
I stood in the arch of his neck. My breath caught in my throat as I was
squeezed between his head and chest. We stood as if we were “heart to
heart”. I was speechless. Karen and Mel were stunned. In retrospect, I
wonder if they recognized that in that moment that Lil League and I both
began to heal.
At the time I did not know Lil League’s history, none the less I
was aware of trust issues that we both shared. I felt the heart behind
the mask .Karen told me, “there’s your answer ,you are having a
conversation with this horse”.
I stood humbled in their presence, my vulnerability falling from
my eyes, for all to see. I felt safe, I did not feel the need to hide my
tears or shut down the incredible array of emotion that I was
experiencing. I felt gratitude beyond words to Lil League for taking
this leap of faith with me. We found we could trust! We stood in
silence, Karen, Mel, Lil League and I, simply honoring what we had
witnessed.
When it was my turn to ride I felt no loss, my heart was so full
I didn’t want our time to come to an end. I asked Karen if Lil League
would “join up”. She said he would but it was difficult and took quite
some time to accomplish. I asked her if I could try, rather than riding
and she agreed, so I haltered Lil League and headed to the arena.
I was amazed at the change in his demeanor, for the first time
that weekend I felt a partnership with him. He didn’t drag me, he didn’t
dive for grass; he walked beside me on a loose lead, alert and eager, to
the arena. Once there I removed his halter and lead. We walked together,
me following, for 3 or 4 minutes and as I turned to walk away, he
followed me. We had “join up”. {yes ,I was crying again} He stood with
me at the rail, alert and engaged with our group, that had gathered
there. We were all in awe. He seemed a different horse.
When I led him back to his pasture, I felt his anger and anxiety once
again. I was startled and looked up to see a “visiting” horse in his
paddock. I immediately got a sense of “new horse”, “replacement”, “I am
leaving again”. Emotion flooded through me like rifle shots in quick
succession. The strongest being the last, punctuated with loads of
anger. I asked that the horse be removed and with all the compassion and
reassurance I could convey, I led him into his paddock and removed his
halter. He stayed with me content in our blossoming friendship.{yes, I
was crying again}
There are simply not words to express my gratitude for the gifts
bestowed upon me by Lil League, by Karen and Leigh and by the women who
held me in their hearts. They made it safe enough for me to allow myself
to be “seen”. I had never experienced that kind of acceptance before.
Now I know I can find it whenever I attend workshops at H.E.A.L., which
I often do. I also experience it within my own herd, yet none of these
experiences are as special to me as the one that began one day in the
rain when I met a cranky little horse named Lil League.
Author Khrista Engelhardt has been a
breeder of quarter horses for 25 years and is a partner/owner of
Riversmeet Quarter and Paint Horses. She is also the barn manager at
HEAL (Human Equine Alliances for Learning) in Chehalis,
Washington. Khrista can be contacted at
riversmeet@myhome.net
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